I’ve never been one to bother with Trending Topics, as they’re usually just some rubbish like #OMGIfIWereAnAnimalIWouldBe or something equally as moronic. “LOL.” But after exhausting my Timeline and STILL having 1 hour 29 minutes before home time, I thought I’d have a little nosy… and here’s what I have learnt. I’m actually quite impressed.

• Percy Pig now has a brand of ice cream. Those delicious pink pig faces have been frozen, mixed with all sorts of other calorific ingredients and sold in Marks & Spencer.

• Pete Doherty has gone to jail for possession of cocaine. Naughty

• Gail Porter has been sectioned under the mental health act after cutting her chest and arms in her bathroom.

• Waterstones bookstore chain has been sold for £53m. Great huh? But not when you take into account that that’s the selling price of one Fernando Torres. The world is MENTAL.

• The Queen has made it to Cork without being assassinated by terrorists.

• Skater Girl Avril Lavigne has released a video for her single ‘Smile’. Everyone seems to be going on about it… as I’m in the office, I don’t think blasting out some pop punk would go down very well, so I’ll have to find out the big news on that one when I go home, or I get to my sisters, who has one of these iPhones where you can ACTUALLY watch videos. I know, how amazing is that?

Finally, something is happening on the Worldwide TT with some bloke called Joaquín Sabina. All the gossip is in a foreign language though, and Google isn’t giving me anything… can anyone help? I’ll never sleep tonight otherwise.

In a frank new interview, Peter has described himself as a “dirty little rotter” in the bedroom, and plans to have as much sex as he can this year following his split from Elen Rivas.

If you do have a bit of a thing for the Andre though, you’re in luck, because he says he wants to start living dangerously…. So just wait in a back alley outside on of his gigs in just a trench coat and your undies and you could be in luck… that’s just my idea though, Pete hasn’t actually said he wants to be jumped by a woman in her pants…

What he DID say however, was; “I’m pure filth. But I’m not a sleaze. I’m a massively passionate person. A dirty little rotter in the bedroom, and a gentleman, too. The whole package, I hope! I’m a bad boy really. Not many people see that side of me. I’m a gentleman, but I’m fiery, too. I’m a hot-blooded male! I’m a sexual man, definitely.”

He added: “I’m a single man. This year is about having fun and lots of it. I’m not ready for a relationship and settling down and doing the love thing. When I do fall in love, I’ll go to the ends of the earth for that person. I’d lay down on a carpet of nails for the person I love. But for now, it’s time to live dangerously and have fun, you know what I mean?”

Yes Pete, I think we do….

Proving that she’s oh-so-serious about her new man-toy Leandro Penna, KP decided to get one of her mates to take a photo of them snogging each other’s face off in a snap that looks like a rejected cover for the Brokeback Mountain special edition.

Other nauseating snaps included Jordan and Leo recreating the famous Dirty Dancing lift in the sunset & them riding about on horses, as well as a Twitter “Thank You” to Elton John and David Furnish for throwing the bash where the pair met: “We are so compatible we can’t thank Elton John and David Furnish enough.”

Bleugh.

Anyway, wherever she is, it hasn’t stopped her mouthing off about Peter Andre during her trip to LA (yes she’s going to the Oscars, God only knows how), and after a night on the booze she yelped; “[He's] probably still in f***ing love.” Yes, he probably is, that must be why he divorced you Katie.

Then she started barking on about Alex, this time saying; “he still comes to the house but we’re not together. Can anyone here tell me they’ve never f***** an ex?”

Well Katie, no, we can’t tell you that, but we don’t go broadcasting our sex lives to the local tabloids do we? I mean, no offence, but it is a bit trashy.

Ruth.x

Okay, so we kind of understand why Lily is a bit miffed, Kanye did Tweet; “an abortion can cost a ballin’ n***a up to 50gs maybe 100. Gold diggin’ bitches be getting pregnant on purpose.” After all.

Is it just me, or does Kanye's head look too big for his body?

Yes that’s right folks, Kanye is moaning about the cost of an abortion on Twitter – and whilst a shed load of people responded, it was Lily who caught our eye; “Never has a tweet put me such a bad mood. This is wrong on so many levels”.

We all know what it’s like when Lily gets angry, so Kanye just better hope he’s not in the same room as her for a good while… and perhaps whilst he’s hiding out, he could visit his local Sexual Health clinic, perhaps he’s unaware of those amazing things called condoms?

The new Lady GaGa has spoken out about her sexuality on In Demand, and said; “I’ve never denied it. Whoopie doo guys, yes, I’ve dated girls and I’ve dated boys – get over it.”

She then explained how naughty journalists (not me!) have been pestering her friends to try and get the inside scoop on her sexuality; “The amount of people that have contacted my old schoolmates about it… Facebook is a lethal place.”

You don’t need to talk to us about Facebook JJ, our mate got dumped because her boyfriend was sick of her talking to this other fella and ‘liking’ his pictures.

Don’t get me wrong, the general consensus in the office is that if we were mega drunk and trapped on the dance floor when this came on, we’d party like it was 1999, but as for cranking it up during a car journey. Perhaps not.

That said, this IS the third time I’ve listened to it this morning, and each time I find myself wiggling my bum along with that annoying banjo, but then I hear the line “I can’t wait to get you home so I can do some damage” and do a bit of sick in my mouth.

What do YOU think to it?

According to gossips in the US, the pair have been secretly dating since December, with Us Weekly claiming that Rihanna actually ‘spent the night’ with Ryan Phillippe after hanging out at a Gucci/Roc Nation brunch earlier this month.

As if it couldn’t get any more confusing, this is the same Ryan Phillippe who has only just split up from Amanda Seyfriend, but it didn’t stop the source blabbing to Heatworld; “She thinks he’s hot. They totally had sex. And it wasn’t even the first time.” Blimey!

Is it just me or are you feeling a little jeals? I bet Justin Bieber is fuming…

The 24 year old (who’s still on probation for some other crime) has been told by a judge that he will send her to prison over this £2,500 necklace, that she has been accused of robbing.

Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz told her that, “I treat everybody the same. I don’t care that you’re Lindsay Lohan vs. John Doe or Jane Doe. That doesn’t affect me. If you plead in front of me, if this case is resolved in front of me, you are going to go to jail. Period.”

Yikes, that sounds scary! Lindsay now has until March 10 to decide how plead in front of Judge Schwartz or she can take her chances and go before another judge for a preliminary hearing before a later trial.

Funeral For A Friend unveiled the music video to ‘Sixteen’ last week and now – because we love you readers – you can check out some footage from behind the scenes of the shoot.

The band’s new album ‘Welcome Home Armageddon’ (which is already receiving critical acclaim) will be released on 14th March, followed by a full UK tour and the single ‘Sixteen’ a couple of weeks later.

How exciting?!